Every once in a while I get this strong urge to update my blog - to share my thoughts on life - and to express hakaros hatov for all of the good that Hashem does for me. Readers, I AM PREGNANT!!! I have yearned for this for so long...I literally trembled when I found out!

A lot of events have occurred over the past few months, but the biggest nes is that Dovid and I became pregnant naturally. No fertility treatment. After more than 4 years of trying.

I began working as a certified occupational therapist in February 2013. I worked through April, and then on my birthday discovered that I had contracted C-diff (an antibiotic-resistant bacterial infection) from the facility that I worked at. Needless to say, there was no way to prove that I had contracted the illness from work, and I was forced to take off 6 days while I began a course of Vancomyocin to clear up the infection.

Around Shavuos time, I finished the Vancomyocin and was pleased to get back to normal life. The medication had made me very bloated and uncomfortable, and I was excited to move on and become "super-efficient OT Estee" again. Well, this was not meant to be. Shortly after stopping the Vancomyocin, I started feeling effects of C-diff (frequent BM's, very watery and loose stools). This time, unfortunately, I needed to be hospitalized because I couldn't retain liquids and had become severely dehydrated and dizzy.

I was hospitalized end of May, ironically the same week that my parents came in from Detroit for a family friend's wedding. My parents were worried and sad that I was in this predicament, but thank G-d, I was able to be released from the hospital on erev Shabbos.

The very awful outcome of this entire C-diff debacle is that I was forced to resign from my job due to my predisposition to contracting the disease, most likely a result of my immunocompromised body (I take medication to combat my ulcerative colitis). I was bummed, and weak, and frustrated that I couldn't practice. I was sad and angry, but mostly I just needed to heal.

So I did. I rigorously stuck to my medication routine assigned at the hospital (until end of June). I relaxed a lot more often. I worked on eating more healthfully. I did yoga. I also signed up to do observation at a pediatric clinic on Wednesdays to try and transition into the pediatric area of OT.

The summer was difficult. All of my friends were pregnant. I was ashamed that I was unemployed. But I worked on keeping my chin up. We went to Shimmy (hubby's brother) and Leah (my sister)'s high school graduations in Milwaukee and Detroit, respectively. I visited my parents at their cottage in Port Huron on July 4th weekend. My sister came to visit me in Chicago. And we hosted a good friend's girlfriend for a little bit over a week. (Both boyfriend and girlfriend are taking off from work and school next year to learn in Israel and further their Yiddishkeit).

Tisha b'av was difficult for me - I was not allowed to fast while tapering my medication (Vancomyocin) due to increased risk of dehydration. I didn't like feeling like an invalid who was too sick to observe national Jewish holidays. But I knew that it was the right thing to do because my Rabbi had given me the pesak. I went to hear megillas Eicha with my husband on Tisha b'av night, and I strongly remember feeling so connected to the Jewish people and their pain. I thought about how we are all responsible for one another as a nation. And how our attitudes and tefillos really affect the judgment that Hashem bestows upon us. I watched a Holocaust biopic about a Holocaust survivor, and I went to the Holocaust museum with my friend. I kept feeling sick and decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. I was shaken. I showed my husband. I didn't know how to react. "We need to praise Hashem in the same way for bad and for good." How bittersweet it was to receive this news on a day when so many from klal yisroel had suffered.

I went to the fertility specialist for bloodwork and ultrasound. And they confirmed that I indeed was pregnant! The following week we saw a sac. And last week, we saw an embryo and a heartbeat.

"How great are Your ways, Hashem. All of them You have made with wisdom. The earth is full of Your creations."

T - 1 week

Less than 1 week until FET!!! As seems to be the trend, LOTS of emotions running around here...Mostly, i'm afraid of the unknown. I feel so positive about this transfer. My husband and I have come so far on our journey - spiritually, emotionally, maturity-wise. It feels like the right time for us to have a baby. But at the same time, I know it's so completely NOT up to me. Ultimately, G-d is the one who determines how this cycle goes.

 

There are 2 things that i'm keeping in mind to help me get through this emotionally

1. A Jew never loses hope...

even though I am so emotional, hoping against hope that things will work this time. I've tried so hard, worked so hard, davened so hard, cried so hard. But it's up to G-d. And it's up to me to realize that everything He does is for the best. 

2. I pray that Hashem gives me the strength to get through this!

If the outcome is positive, I will need Him to help me every step of the way for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby, a healthy family. If the outcome is negative, I will need Him to help me deal with things emotionally. I can and will get through this with His help

Here's hoping...xoxo

Oh, and another continuous source of inspiration...(my beautiful niece)

There have been so many changes in my life in the past two weeks...
1) I got a job!!!
2) I finally settled a 1.5 year saga with a friend from I/F group
3) I decided to do another frozen embryo transfer!!!

There are so many emotions whirling around inside me right now. I am very excited to begin working as an occupational therapist. I love my field, and I am eager to really make a difference in people's lives.

On another note, I feel like a lot have things have been changing for me on an emotional level. I spoke things through with a friend from I/F group, and she had such a different perspective regarding how our relationship unfolded during her pregnancy and beginning stages as a mother. I was very hurt, yet oddly relieved that I was able to resolve our disagreements. She felt that I hadn't been there as a friend during her happy times. She had a lot of difficulty empathizing with my situation and mostly felt wronged by me. I felt a lot of emotions regarding her, but mostly disappointed that she couldn't empathize with how I felt when it didn't suit her. I came out of this ordeal proud that I was able to problem-solve without disassembling, and also proud of how far I have come on my infertility journey.

Finally, my husband and I are planning to start a frozen embryo transfer in the beginning of March. I am very excited...I think these are very viable embryos and that overall my perspective has been a lot healthier this time around. I am also fearful - of weight gain, hormonal roller coasters, and disappointment. I am praying for the strength to get through this!

As I sit here waiting for my challah dough to rise, I think of all of the experiences that I've been through since beginning fertility treatment. My husband and I would LOVE to have a child (or 2!). But there is so much richness and depth that I have uncovered going through my infertility journey.

For starters, I have always had a more serious, black-and-white outlook on life. I used to view having children as an obligation or an inevitable, at best. Now when I think about having children, tears come to my eyes at the happiness that I would feel to be so fortunate. I am thankful to G-d for allowing me the chance to resolve and form closer relationships than I ever would have attempted before infertility. The measures that I took to work on myself, to change negative patterns and ways of thinking, and the overall experience of morphing into a better version of myself...i'm not sure that I would trade those. For the first time in my life, I am able to find calm and to genuinely love myself. I look at everyday occurrences and feel sorry that I was unable to appreciate the miracles being performed around me before this.

Yes, there has been a lot of heartache and pain, both mentally and physiologically. And then, there was the social ramifications to infertility that created tremendous stress for me.

I am a 26 y/o female living in Chicago. Life has been overall good for me. I grew up in a loving family in Michigan. I recently graduated with a Masters degree in Occupational Therapy, and passed my boards this December. I am married to a loving and devoted husband.

But life has thrown me some curveballs too. At 16 y/o, I went to rehab in Sylvania, Ohio for anorexia nervousa. At 21 y/o, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. And at 22 y/o, I began my battle with infertility (IF). To date, I have gone through many different treatments regarding IF. Upon diagnosis, I attempted both Clomid and Metformin treatments, neither of which was successful. I was subsequently deemed unqualified for intra-uterine insemination (IUI) due to the nature of my polycystic ovaries and my body's physiological tendency towards hyperstimulation. Next, I underwent 2 rounds of IVF. I have had successful embryo retrievals, but have suffered 3 failed embryo transfers.